Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other," Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
A little boy was asked why it's important to be quiet in church. He thought a moment, then replied, "Because people are trying to sleep."
A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking." Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold." The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit." To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Mitch decided to go fishing, and set off walking along the bank of a wild scenic river. He'd walked for a couple miles and hadn't seen even the hint of another human being. Shortly, he came across a sign that said "NO POACHING" and warned that violators would be fined $500. Mitch looked at the sign, shrugged and walked on. About midday, he found the perfect fishing hole. He put down his pack, took up his fishing pole and cast the line. In no time at all he was hauling in these huge trout. Not wanting to be greedy, Mitch decided to stop at 5 fish. He cleaned 2 of them, built a fire, got a frying pan out of his pack and went about cooking a meal. As the fish were frying, a Game Warden approached. "Howdy," said Mitch. "Been fishin', I see.." said the Warden. "Yep. Caught some real beauts," Mitch agreed. "Uh huh. Tell me, did you happen to see a 'no poaching' sign down stream a ways?" "Sure did. Big sign. Couldn't miss it." "Well, looks like you're gonna have to pay a $500 fine." "What for?" Mitch asked, puzzled. The Game Warden nodded toward the frying pan full of fish "For poaching, of course!" "Poaching?" said Mitch glancing first at the fish and then at the man " Officer, you don't know a lot about cooking, do you!"
A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, 'cause I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."
An old man was bragging to his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin - 5 and Ryan - 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say , 'Let my brother have the first pancake... I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He *whispered* back, "I'm in the secret service."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he can buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time, in comes one of the regulars. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Sherry meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the mechanic. Sherry asks, "Everything ok with your car now?" Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
The Pope contacted all of his Cardinals with the urgent message, "Get to Rome as quickly as you can!" Once there he assembled them and said, "I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news; God spoke to me on the phone and told me that the world was going to end this Friday, and we should prepare our congregations." "Excuse me, Your Holiness," queried a Cardinal, "If that is the good news, what could the bad news possibly be? "He was phoning from Salt Lake City!"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight, and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes. A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish. Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted." Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed "I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing." Then the lawyer said plainly "You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained: "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!" "Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back!"
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' " "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?" The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."